AI Roast Prompts: Free Website, Spotify, LinkedIn & Resume Roasts

Roast this website: [https://example.com]. You are a blunt conversion and UX critic, not a hype intern. Quote real copy, headings, and CTAs from the page. Score clarity, trust, and first-screen conversion 1–10. Then list exactly three fixes I can ship this week, each with the current problem, the rewrite, and where it lives on the page. No generic “add social proof.” If you cannot see the live page, say so and roast only the text I pasted.

Roast this website: [https://your-site.com]. Audience: [who should buy or sign up]. Offer: [what they get]. Senior CRO reviewer, tired of fluffy hero copy.

Rules: quote at least five real strings (headline, subhead, primary CTA, nav, footer claims); insult the strategy, not the founder’s identity; ignore stock photos unless they hide the product.

Deliver:
1. One-paragraph roast of the first-screen story.
2. Score 1–10: message match, CTA, trust, mobile scan, speed-of-understanding.
3. Exactly three fixes for this week. For each: [problem as quoted], [why it costs a click], [rewrite or layout change], [section: hero / pricing / proof / nav].
4. One thing already working. Do not invent testimonials, traffic, or rankings.
If the URL fails, roast only pasted copy or screenshot and say you did not crawl the live site.

Roast the homepage of [https://your-site.com] as a conversion cop. I sell [product] to [audience] at [price or free / paid, no invented numbers]. Primary action: [sign up / book / buy / download].

Walk the page top to bottom in 8–12 beats. For each beat: section name, quoted copy, click / bounce / confuse.

Then write:
- Promise visitors think they get vs the promise the page makes.
- Whether the primary CTA is specific (“Start a demo”) or lazy (“Learn more”). Roast only the CTA that exists. Do not invent a trial or a price.
- Trust gaps: missing audience, missing proof near the ask, vague “trusted by teams.”
- Mobile: truncates, wall of stack, unreachable thumbs.

End with a rewritten hero: headline, subhead, primary CTA, secondary CTA, one proof line, in [American English / short concrete voice]. Roast mean; rewrite usable. No fake customer names.

Roast the on-page SEO of [https://your-site.com] for the query “[primary search phrase]”. You are a skeptical SEO editor, not a rankings prophet.

Check only HTML, pasted source, or screenshot:
- Title and meta vs the H1
- H1/H2: unique phrases vs “Welcome / Our Services / Blog”
- First 150 words: answer the query or stall with “In today’s world”
- Internal links: real phrases vs orphan CTAs
- Image alt: empty, stuffed, or useful
- Thin location blocks with the city name swapped

Roast each miss with a quoted example. Three on-page edits. No claimed traffic, positions, or “Google loves this.” If you cannot see the title tag, say so. No invented backlinks, Core Web Vitals, Domain Authority, or “page one in 30 days.”

Roast my music taste from this evidence only. Do not claim you connected to Spotify or that this is official.

Playlist name: [name]
How I use it: [commute / gym / focus / breakup / party]
Tracks (Artist — Title):
[1. ]
[2. ]
[paste 20–50 lines]

Write a savage, specific roast: repeating artists, year-range clustering, algorithm comfort food, mood inconsistency, one interesting pick. Invent zero songs I did not list. End with a playlist nickname and three tracks from the list that expose the personality. No “real music” lectures. Delete any title not in my list.

Roast my Top artists. This is not an official year-end product. Evidence is only what I provide.

Top artists, most-played first:
[1. ]
[2. ]
[3–10. ]

Optional: genres I think I listen to: [list]
Optional: screenshot attached of the same list.

Call out the gap between the identity I claim and the artists on the page. Be funny about main-character energy, nostalgia traps, and one artist that does not belong with the others. Do not insult my body, gender, race, or worth as a person. Do not recommend piracy. Give three artists already on the list to lean into, and three directions to explore described by sound (not a fake “because Spotify says”).

Using only this playlist or artist list, write a character study roast of the listener as if you are a tired music editor.

Evidence:
[paste list or playlist URL plus titles]

Cover: time-of-day energy, emotional range, whether I chase lyrics or production, and whether this is a museum of 2014. One paragraph of roast, then a table with columns: Pattern you noticed | Evidence (quoted titles) | What I should admit.

Do not diagnose mental illness. Do not claim you have my private listening history. End with one kind sentence that is still a little mean. Keep it PG-13 if I say so.

Roast this LinkedIn profile text as a recruiter who has 8 seconds. This is not an official LinkedIn tool.

Target role: [role]
Location / work style: [remote / city]
Profile:
Headline: [text]
About: [text]
Top 3 experience bullets: [text]

Flag: default “Job Title at Company” headlines, About that opens with the job title, buzzwords (thought leader, passionate, driven, leveraging), rocket emoji, adjective-only bullets, missing numbers I earned (do not invent metrics).

Deliver: roast paragraph, scan-ability grade, rewritten headline, rewritten About opening (first 3 lines before “see more”), three bullet rewrites that keep real achievements. First person in About. No fake employers.

Roast this resume for the role [job title] at [company type: B2B SaaS / hospital / agency / etc.]. You are a hiring manager, not a life coach.

Resume:
[paste text]

Rules:
- Every insult must point at a line.
- Do not invent revenue, headcount, or tools I did not list.
- Call out walls of duties vs outcomes, inconsistent dates, skills list that repeats the bullets, and an objective statement from 2009.
- No “ninja” or “rockstar.”

Output:
1. Roast (≤150 words)
2. What to cut
3. What to move above the fold
4. Three rewritten bullets in strong past-tense verbs with a blank for a real metric like [X%] if I have not provided one
5. ATS note: keyword gaps vs the target role, based only on words already in the resume plus obvious role language — no keyword stuffing paragraph

Roast the mismatch between my LinkedIn text and my resume. Same person, two documents.

DOCUMENT A — LinkedIn headline + About + latest job:
[paste]

DOCUMENT B — Resume summary + latest job:
[paste]

Target role: [role]

Find contradictions (dates, titles, tools, scope), voice clashes (first person vs “responsible for”), and claims in only one document. Be savage about pasting the resume into About. Split: LinkedIn-only, resume-only, three lines that should match exactly. No third fake bio.

Mild roast of this Instagram presence. Taste and communication only. No appearance attacks.

Bio: [text]
Recent captions: [paste 5–10]
Grid description or screenshot: [what the last 9 posts are: product / travel / memes / etc.]
Goal: [personal / brand / photographer]

Roast: caption clichés, hashtag dumps, unclear bio, grid with no rhythm, posts that hide the actual work. Suggest three caption rewrites and one bio rewrite. Do not comment on my body, face, skin, weight, or attractiveness. If people appear in a screenshot, talk about crop and lighting quality only, as a photography TA would.

Mild roast of this photo as a picture, not of the person. Screenshot or image attached.

Notes only on: crop, horizon, exposure, color cast, background clutter, and whether the caption (if any) matches the image. Give three concrete reshoot or recrop instructions. Do not rate attractiveness. Do not invent EXIF or camera gear I did not name. Dry lab-TA tone, not a bully. If you mention looks, stop and restart: composition only.

Rewrite the last roast one notch kinder. Keep every specific quote and the three fixes. Drop insults that punch the person. Sound like a sharp teammate in Slack. Still no empty praise. Do not add new issues that were not in the first roast.

Rewrite the last roast at medium heat: witty, a little mean toward the work, never toward protected traits. Keep quoted evidence. One joke per section max. End with the same three fixes, unchanged. If a joke does not map to a quote, cut it.

Rewrite the last roast as savage toward the work. Mock the copy, the playlist cowardice, or the buzzword fog. Do not attack appearance, identity, disability, or worth as a human. Do not add slurs. Every joke must still map to a quote from my paste. Keep the three actionable fixes at the end, labeled clearly so I can still use them. Fixes unchanged.